The Vanity of Criticism on Others
I have a strong intuitive understanding that there aren’t actually a lot of people from the ones I know that don’t think that they know better than me what’s best for me. And I also think that this phenomenon doesn’t only have to do with me but with all the people. In fact, I am saying that I have noticed that the vast majority of the people seem to always be coming out of a certain predisposition that they know best what’s best for anybody else. And not only that, they may as well try to impose their view in case they have a certain amount of power.
A Society that Imposes in every Aspect
This occurs in every level of the society. Most teachers hardly ever leave the pupils to go towards their individual directions after only providing to them a strong basis and consultation about specific issues later. Instead they try to put them under certain levels of thought, of behaving, actually under their specific model which is “copied” and “pasted” to each one of the attendees. Most mentors in any tribe, school etc behave as authorities and they expect students to follow them without questions
The parents that have full control of their children are maybe for the only time in their lives given so much power over other human beings. In many occasions they seem to me that while they want the good for their children they oppress them to do what they (the parents) think is correct without leaving any chance of expression to the human being that is actually affected by this.
And this definitely explains the way the western dominant world works. All the empires had their atrocities justified because they wanted to “humanize” but the “unhumanized” ones couldn’t “get it.” until they lost the fight. While, at least in my view, the majority of the people from the attacked-weak countries just didn’t want outsiders to intervene.
The Underlying Egoism behind showing to others what is right for them
All the above point clearly to an underlying egoism that manifests as control over others. When we try to impose something means that by definition we seem to know better the needs and thoughts of the other side. Not only we just believe that we know better but we are 100% sure, else we wouldn’t try to impose it in practice. If we can’t even leave a possibility for the other side to have a logical opinion we are clearly underestimating not only the thinking of the other person but also their individual needs.
So many people on tv and in social media judge all the others and most of the times find them dumb, all the time they can’t understand “how this other person did what they did.” But how can everyone be smart and stupid at the same time?
The Vanity and Self-harm when Criticizing Unstoppably
Unfortunately, hardly anyone seems to be gazing at the bigger picture, that the participation in this process is the real dumbness!
Because it doesn’t let us understand our own inefficiencies-attachments. If we change the perception and be open to learn from our environment then we start understanding that the mistakes we recognise in others have come as a result of similar attachments that we also had or still have, even though the manifestation in the world might look quite different than ours. This way the criticism seems to be going away and from my experience feelings of connection ironically arise. I am starting to include and accept others more and more as time is passing because in many ways that they behave and I don’t see as right, I see a part of myself in me, about a way I used to sometime think and fortunately I realized where I had been stuck. But again I can’t be entirely sure about the latter and still the other person I don’t find right but I think I understand may still know better.
The State of Self-Sufficiency
I think that when coming from a state of self sufficiency there is absolutely no need to convince anyone about something, to make anyone do anything, to receive acceptance and praise from anyone. Only a person or a professional or a country that has something “lacking” wants so much to change-form others’ opinions or intrudes in order to force the circumstances.
Instead a better way of looking at a difference in ideas is to hold back for a while and try to be on the other’s shoes. And then come from a predisposition of something like: “You come from this reality and I come from that reality. Let’s see where there is common ground and try to build on that something that is useful for both of us”
Marketing and Persuasion Methods
There are so many marketing techniques that work on the subconscious now that try to “catch” the customer and convince them about what is right. You see the hidden authority behind something that looks very normal today? There are so many social skills methods and lessons that teach people how to appear more professional or likeable in order to be more convincing, which means to indirectly influence the imposition of their views, of what they want to convince the other about.
These ways are trying to show NOT the reality of our character and let the other rationally decide after having an accurate knowledge. It looks like an adapted performance according to the researched emotional needs of the other side, a lawful trick I dare to say. What we cannot do with “arms” we can very well do it with the mind.
But in my humble opinion a certain level of let’s say “health” cannot be maintained for long in a relationship if it is not attached to a real care for the need of the others. Even if we manage to make others do what we think is right from either force or persuasion it cannot last. How can we feel really close to someone that is using us? But we also can’t feel close to the ones that we are using because in fact we don’t care about their good, we care about ours.
When not knowing what to do
Interestingly enough, look how this mentality works sideways. So even though we like so much to ascertain ourselves, many times that we feel uncertain, we ask others what to do or just look around to see what the majority is doing, obviously this shows lack of self esteem. And unavoidably is a mistaken directions since we fail to take into account our own individual needs.
So we look for authority figures, friends we trust, parental figures, instructors, mentors etc to save us from the difficult situation that we are. What we don’t realise is that everybody else however wise they might be can only offer us their own interpretation of reality, their models that have been formed by their own experiences, their own personality, their own way of thinking and so on and so forth.
All advice is a means to man end. To advise well you must know the ends of the person you advise.
Constructive criticism is criticism that takes into account the end of the person who is being criticized who might be struggling to achieve their goals and points out or suggests a more effective way for them to attain their desire.
As a general rule, telling someone that their goals are wrong is oppressive and arrogant (unless their goal are evil ones that oppress others).
I found the section on the psychological and societal benefits of self-sufficiency very interesting. I too believe a more self-sufficient world would be a better one.
https://johnmccone.com/2018/09/17/basic-income-self-provision-and-full-employment/
Thank you, John, for reaching out. By the way, the previous days I heard another interesting and relevant quote. That if we knew everything about others we would never blame them. That is to say how far away we are most of the times from the other person’s experiences, needs, aspirations and so on while how much difference this knowledge would make to our perceptions about them.
Of course, like you said, constructive criticism is helpful and I think essential for someone that cares about their evolution. Obviously we can’t avoid the blind spots and when recognized it’s a reason to celebrate!
It’s amazing how you synthesize the psychological factors with economics and that’s something very important for a people-centered society however not many are able to do this. I am impressed with how much I agree your ideas in your article.
In my view also a guaranteed basic income that would provide self-sufficiency is the alpha and the omega of a healthy society that would provide with its agents the means to progress in every aspect. I read it and reread it as it has so many interesting and thought provoking topics.
I seem to remember hearing that same quote, but I can’t think where I heard it.
I view basic income as very important as well. While man cannot live by bread alone man also cannot live any bread at all. It’s hard to be generous to others when we lack the ability to secure our own existence.
I’ve been following the basic income movement a lot both through reading books and attending events and I think I remember Guy Standing said that there is evidence from psychological studies which indicate that even a modest income increases levels of generosity and pro-social activity.
Agreed! I mean look for example the pyramid of needs from Abraham Maslow so a guaranteed basic income is supposed to cover the base of it, the survival needs. As soon as man is safe, the doors open widely for every other positive human characteristic. So yes, either when our survival is realistically in danger or when we are “over-afraid” there are small chances to thrive as humanity. By solving this problem we are free to create, be educated, be authentic, be generous and so on.
Very well said my friend. Reminds me of my father. Sometimes I myself drain my life-energy just to satisfy my revenge from getting critisized all my life, and thus now critising others. I hope we learn to forgive, so that we don’t critisize those that critisized us unjustingly, thus traumatizing our souls.
Of course, it’s another thing to mentor and guide someone to forgo his ego, while pointing out his mistakes (which is healthy for him to grow), and a complete different thing to critisize someone habitually with bad rushed judgement just to satisfy your blood thirst (like my father did to me and my poor brothers).
Thanks for these teachings Angelo, these are valuable and need to be seen by more people.
If I can help somehow, please let me know.
Cheers!
In my opinion, the difference clearly lies in the attitude. And this will also determine your feelings after the process of criticism.
When you talk to satisfy your ego the receiver senses it and gets into the same frame automatically to protect his own. But when you talk out of love and caring for the good of the receiver you have more chances to make him open (not that he is obliged to necessarily agree)
Consequently, you may have experienced that in the first case you also have negative feelings while in the second you become more fulfilled independently of the result.
You can’t realise the difference between these two if you don’t observe yourself every time with honest curiosity.
Thank you for your kindness and comments, you are helping already.