When I was much younger, I used to find it very difficult to find a girlfriend. I didn’t know how to approach the issue because I was always getting negative results without being able to imagine the reasons. As a sensitive young boy raised up in the west who was an admirer of literature, I was dreaming myself lying next to the fireplace with my other half believing that I have solved every personal issue of mine and I won’t stop being happy. I also used to think that the others that had relationships were living in a situation like the above. There were needed many years to pass in order to start understanding that reality was generally much different for the other couples.
Anyway, for years I was very frustrated because not only I had no valid source of feedback about my actions, but I also wasn’t always sure if it was me wrong or the women. I was also becoming very miserable because I was thinking that such a normal experience and I am not even able to have it. At the same time, my family or other older people were saying that it’s better if I calm down with this issue. But I couldn’t understand it the way they said it. It just didn’t make sense. I knew that results come out of work. When you don’t get results you have to put more pressure. You must think about it as much as possible and take very seriously every case with incredible carefulness to not make any mistake.
So I was keeping struggling with any possible way my ignorant mind could imagine. And the more I was failing the angrier I was becoming. I didn’t have the maturity at that time to really look at my actions and imagine that there was maybe something wrong that I was doing. I was then blaming women, that they can have it easily and they don’t care and that they are only players even though they say they are good girls, and that I am a good boy but they are unable to recognize it. Similar things to what many men believe.
Mandatory Let Go
Because of the above, the good thing is that inevitably I was driven to let go. After some point I consciously decided that I would stop trying as I had attempted any possible way I could, I had discussed my issues millions of times with my friends and I had even visited a local psychologist. However, no one was able to make me effective.
And very soon, the “magic” happened. Through a series of coincidences, I met a girl in my summer holidays that was meant to give me all the things I was imagining and even much more. I think we both were in a similar situation thus the romance was manifested in incredible ways. The fact that we were living in different cities were making the emotions even stronger. I was experiencing what I was previously dreaming.
Although this is a valuable experience in my life like many others, it isn’t uncommon for most people. However, the point here is that, as I said, when I convinced myself that I don’t care about the outcome, my deep need was fully fulfilled. When I became desireless, I received my desire.
Our Tendency to be 100% Outcome Driven Especially when Desperate
What I have noticed is that we commonly operate this way in our lives. We pressurize ourselves and others to get what we want. We get stuck in a certain outcome and we get focused on it without looking towards anything else. We forget the experience and all the moments and we just expect the moment that the outcome will arrive. But will that be enough?
In times of despair, we become trapped because we feel that we don’t have enough time and we can’t avoid thinking about the issue. We can’t understand what it means to calm down when we believe that there is an emergency. How can you calm down when you can’t see on the horizon any way to reach it? We should try harder to find a solution. We think that the more energy we spend on thoughts and actions the more our chances will increase. Even though we try more, it seems that most of the times we don’t dare to look towards the possibilities that we also may be doing something wrong. No, we did the best, it was the circumstances’ or other people’s fault. Always.
And, you know, when you want to achieve something material or theoretical it’s easier. Like a degree or a well-paid job. Because you mostly have to understand something fixed. People have been receiving degrees for decades so it’s not difficult to understand the process, you either study much or learn the previous years’ exams and so on. I think sooner or later even if you are attached to it, you will gain more information and you will manage to be as needed.
Things get too complicated when you are outcome driven by something that involves other people
However, it’s way more difficult when it involves other people. With friends, with groups, with relationships. Imagine now that you want to achieve something which is an event that has to do with some moments, ok? You focus on how to make the circumstances appropriate, right? And you have an idea in your mind that things should go this and that way. For example yo,u may have in your head an idea about how marriage is and you have attached it to some emotions.
When you reach the time that you meet a person that you expect will manifest your dream, you are missing the fact that the other person is a human being also that has also dreams that may vary from yours. Or they may have a different understanding of how a label like marriage works. At the same time, you are having a connection, a common experience. When you go predisposed about how it should be then instead of experiencing you are just guarding if the rules are followed. Do you like not experiencing? And even if the other person doesn’t notice it consciously, they will surely sense it subconsciously.
It depends on the other person’s understanding if they would accept this. But even if they accept it and you continue, how can you keep not experiencing? For years. Won’t you be tired of checking if the system works as expected? And what if the other person doesn’t enjoy this system so much. You may manage and achieve your goal. If the years pass, will that goal itself have made you happy? Happiness comes from the moment that the goal is achieved or from all the moments that you are together with the other person?
Failing to Look Inwards
All this happens because we haven’t worked enough on ourselves. It’s not something to blame for, everyone is in a different phase. At that moment that we are desperate and we are looking for a label to hold on to, we aren’t able to figure the lack of logic in our minds, the mental trap that has us kept. Instead of having the clarity to look inwards and recognize that it is us holding us there, we look outwards to find someone or something to blame.
At that moment of despair or fear or anger, only your clear observation on it can elevate you. In my opinion, remaining in that level is not possible to provide with a solution, there is a dead end there. But when you recognise that, you are ready for a conscious choice. Don’t be the emotion that makes you weak, recognise that it appeared and move on, to attitudes that make you stronger. Find a sincere way to feel more love or think about it, engage in something that brings enthusiasm, find an activity that makes you happy.
If you realize that the problem and the solution can have different interpretations under different moods then you will want to be the observer. You will want to be the chooser. Thus when the thoughts are bringing you down, recognise the fact and get away from that. Don’t try to rationalize that you are that emotion and it makes sense. Because this way you also won’t be able to understand what this emotion means or thought pattern to your personality, too. Why you feel this way, what are you missing, what do you really want?
So when you are more into happiness, optimism, compassion, fulfilment love and so on situations change. This is where the solutions start to appear. Opportunities arise. Our perspective of the situation is different and maybe we feel more relieved and less anxious. Many times circumstances come in a way that opportunities appear out of nowhere.
Being Desireless but not Desperate.
And this is what happens and what happened to me without knowing at that time. When I dropped my weapons I calmed. Actually, I think that I was relieved as till that time I had become compulsive. I wasn’t enjoying it at all. If you think about it, when you meet a person that you are supposed to have a good time together but you personally aren’t having because you are under pressure, how can this work naturally?
So I focused on other things and without having many expectations not even in the beginning after meeting this girl, life clearly provided me with what I had asked for.
The way I see it, in the western world we have become very egoists. We believe that the technology will make us control everything in nature or in the universe. This has influenced of course every person’s worldview. So without listening to the natural processes, without listening to the “inside of us” we want to put things into brackets, gather “ticks”. We do that because we mistakenly understand everything in a linear way. We use the analogy. We assume that the more energy we give to something the more results we should get. By results is the achievement of the goal. So even if you passionately think about an issue too much you mistakenly sometimes assume that this is spending of energy and the corresponding results must come.
In reality, I think that it doesn’t work like that. You can’t micromanage everything and you won’t be able to have all solutions by over obsessing. As in my example and what I described, a change in vibrations opens doors unimagined.
I know at times of negative emotions is difficult to get up. But this is why we try to be resilient by constantly looking inside us and understanding without attachment. Cultivating disbelief about the random thoughts. The more we build this muscle the more ready we will be when the negative emotions weaken us.
We have to learn to admit. Because this is what the objective observer does. He should be in action to fuel the process towards the emotions that make us strong, provide us solutions and creativity.
When you unstoppably try to receive something I think you are getting out of the game of life. You aren’t chasing the experience, you are chasing the label that you believe will give you the experiences later. Maybe in just a few times it can be true but we have to choose wisely how much this chase will help us, I think. Apart from the fact that we can’t predict how an experience can be, it’s very possible that the experience will be quite different. Your obsession with the target may not even let you see towards what kind of experience you are really heading to.
Some may reach the point to harm themselves physically or mentally in the chase of a goal. Isn’t it a pity? We want to be healthy now, happy now, open now and mindful. Instead, we crash ourselves because we are so sure that what we will gain will increase our quality of life somehow. But this always changes. We go from acquiring to acquiring because the previous one becomes old.
However, enthusiasm consistently fulfills you. It doesn’t end, you don’t need to change it. It always gives because what you want is to do what makes you enthusiastic, you are having a good time and this doesn’t leave any room for thoughts about outcomes.
There is no outward fulfilment. No One can give something or do something and save us. They can help us though but without us in the game the equation is unsolved.